Archie comics introduce me to the word jalopy as if it were normal 80’s slang. In fact, I’m pretty sure I owned a copy of Archie’s Mechanics #2. In retrospect Archie teaching us about mechanics was absurd because it was Betty who knew how to fix his car much of the time. Patriarchy!
New Car Kinks you say? Are you talking about… Archie’s TRUNK?
Now, I don’t want to booty shame, I’m just saying I don’t remember Archie backing THAT ass up. Maybe that’s a failure of my imagination. Maybe the artists deliberately hid Archie’s Badonkadonk the way TV shows expect that pregnant actresses will carry boxes and wear hoodies and no one will notice CHANGES.
It was also my theory that the doll butt served to help this 18-inch Archie (not a euphemism) sit if you didn’t want to pay for a stand. My friend Randy had another theory.
Bend over, let me see whatcha working with.
Make you wait on the pole when you hit the floor
Make it go boom boom boom boom boom boom
Now…I’m not calling Archie a bitch, because I don’t support gendered slurs, but he getting stitches.
Welcome to your new ass, Mr. Andrews…or should I call you Mr. 18-inch Andrews?