Archie, Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

Archie comics introduce me to the word jalopy as if it were normal 80’s slang. In fact, I’m pretty sure I owned a copy of Archie’s Mechanics #2. In retrospect Archie teaching us about mechanics was absurd because it was Betty who knew how to fix his car much of the time. Patriarchy!

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New Car Kinks you say? Are you talking about… Archie’s TRUNK?

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Damn, Archie Andrews! We didn’t even celebrate Thanksgiving but here you are FULL OF STUFFING!

Now, I don’t want to booty shame, I’m just saying I don’t remember Archie backing THAT ass up. Maybe that’s a failure of my imagination. Maybe the artists deliberately hid Archie’s Badonkadonk the way TV shows expect that pregnant actresses will carry boxes and wear hoodies and no one will notice CHANGES.

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Deliberate Couch Placement

It was also my theory that the doll butt served to help this 18-inch Archie (not a euphemism) sit if you didn’t want to pay for a stand. My friend Randy had another theory.

“That butt was probably an evolutionary adaptation that allowed him to hang off of even the smallest of outcroppings to murder-leer.”
Spoken like a true house guest who has encountered Reggie and Archie in my delightful apartment.
Randy knows about the make-over because I sent him photos… because that’s what I do when a friend is having too-few spoons to go do something social and comes to me for a “get out there and do that thing” pep talk. I send creepy doll photos annotated with the demands the dolls have. I’m a…friend. I’m not always the friend you want and rarely the friend you deserve but I am a friend with a LOT of photos on her phone.
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The Good Lord didn’t split you, Archie, so I shall.

Bend over, let me see whatcha working with.

Bend over let me see it boy
Make you wait on the pole when you hit the floor
Make it go boom boom boom boom boom boom
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Will you use your BFA after graduating? EVERYDAY.
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I’ll really take it outa you.

Now…I’m not calling Archie a bitch, because I don’t support gendered slurs, but he getting stitches.

Welcome to your new ass, Mr. Andrews…or should I call you Mr. 18-inch Andrews?

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